I am not a people pleaser. At least, that's what I told myself for the past 2 decades. There's a big misconception about what people pleasers look like. We tend to picture people that are meek and easily pushed over. I, for one, would never self-describe as this. But, these are not the defining traits of a people pleaser.
I first started noticing my people pleasing behavior in my career. It made me work excessively hard. But, I realized that I wasn't working hard just for the integrity of working hard itself. I wasn't working hard for me-- or my career aspirations.
Instead, I was working hard for my fear.
In this week's video, I talk through 4 steps to help purge the deadly disease to please. This isn't a one-and-done type of deal though. This is a muscle that you need to repeatedly train.
Fear of disappointment
People pleasing is just the visible output of an internal emotion: fear of disappointment. When we forecast other people's future reactions, it causes us to tediously curate our actions today. We want to mitigate any downstream negativity, and God forbid, conflict.
Conflict aversion is one of the most defining traits of a people pleaser. If you like to be liked -- in my case, at work -- then you also strive to minimize conflict with people. What's also tricky about these two features is that they don't always manifest as bad traits. In fact, they can make you likable, high achieving and seemingly easy-going.
You're good'ol reliable Jane. On the outside at least. But, on the inside, you're doing too much. You're likely working too hard to achieve praise, and worrying too much in the process.
Desire for Acknowledgement
I've found that people pleasing isn't just about your fear of disappointment though. Instead, there are two underlying triggers for people pleasing syndrome:
1. First, fear of disappointment
2. Second, desire for acknowledgement
-- and the latter can be even more difficult to get over. What fuels your drive to do anything? Isn't it at least some acknowledgement?
We all love acknowledgement -- but we should try to view acknowledgement as the ~cherry on top~, not the whole banana-split sundae. It's unnatural for us to not want acknowledgement (--sorry, a lot of double negatives). But, do not wait for it to feel natural. You need to make a conscious decision to ignore your desire for acknowledgement.
In my case, it's the decision that I've made with Snackable Growth. My YouTube subscriber list is small, and my email list is even smaller. But, if I'm not fueled by own desire to create (and create consistently), then, honestly, I probably don't deserve to be watched. So, I'm throwing my desire for acknowledgement out the window. All it does is generate stress -- needless friction that goes against my efforts. I'm here to create. And most importantly, I'm here to please the most important person in my life -- me.
Whenever I think about this, I'm reminded of something my mom used to always say to me. It's become one of my favorite personal mantras, and maybe you'll find it valuable too:
"Remember the one you love the most. Then, at least you'll know one person is happy."
Setting Boundaries
Finally, let's quickly talk about boundaries. When I say boundaries, I mean defining the scope of your life. We all need to outline what we will and will not do. And one particularly easy way to mitigate the fear of disappointment in others, is just to clearly tell them what you will not do. People can't be disappointed in the future when the working parameters were already previously communicated.
So set and state your boundaries. And, say it a little louder for the folks in the back. Because your boundaries are what protect your time and your psyche.
In short -- remember the one you love the most.
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